Aaaaaahhh, fuck my life. There’s so much to decide and so much fucking opposition to what I want to do that it literally sickens me. I’m trying like hell to determine what I want to do with my life, and there’s nothing but people telling me why I shouldn’t do this or shouldn’t do that because if it doesn’t work out then this or that will happen and I’ll wind up miserable. I hate how everything is based around money and the belief that if you don’t have a certain amount then you’re automatically a failure. You know, whatever happened to the days where being happy meant more than counting bills? It’s like, you read about them and you hear the stories that the older generations tell you…and then you get to this era and suddenly dreams don’t exist for those who truly feel, believe, and plan them all out. There are no risks because you’re always told to play it safe. You don’t just randomly get in a car and drive all across the country anymore solely because you are worrying how you’re going to pay for things or how things will turn out. Essentially, there’s no exploration anymore! We’re so socially and technologically dependent that we don’t even try to redraw the line anymore: there’s no stepping over it or branching off of it because now seems to be the time where you either walk it, or fall off and die.
I don’t want to be given a title that I keep for life. I don’t want to be only a scientist or even a writer: I want to do so much more than one thing forever. I might be good at a number of things, but I really can’t comprehend doing a single task, working on a single problem, like some drone until I die. I’m not going to just settle for something I’m unhappy with because it makes me money. There’s no life in that! Why were we always told when we were kids that we could be anything we wanted to be, only to head for that path and then be cut off? We tell them that if they work hard that are ways, opportunities, to do what we actually WANT to do. I may not be a parent, but here’s some advice: don’t lie to your children when it comes to their future. If you don’t think they can do something, don’t let them go on thinking that they could make something of themselves with those dreams and then when they elaborating and perfecting their plans you turn around and give them a punch in the soul with what people label as the one and only ‘reality’. If money’s as important as you’re led to believe, then people need to re-look at things and realize that hey, when you’re dead, there’s no ATM or bank account to be balancing. It does make things easier, holy shit do I know! I’m not even 18 yet and I feel like I’ve lived a hundred lives just through observing my family and living through the brokenness that certain people in my life have fallen into. But you know what? It really isn’t the lack of a set income that bothers me: it’s how my family has let it determine what they do. “You probably don’t want to go to college out of state because you’re financial aid will go down.” Yeah, it’s true, but I really can’t understand why you would pay, (THOUSANDS!) for something that you aren’t going to love. It’s like going into a store with the intention of buying red jeans and then leaving with a bar of soap just because it was there. Well, a lot of things are ‘there’, but that doesn’t always mean that you should settle for them.
The sad thing is that my brother was right when he said that after you graduate you turn into an adult and then you don’t matter. You go to college, not to learn, but so they can suck money out of you. (Hmmm, we pay to go to school to make money, but then end up paying off debt for years WITH that money. That’s nice.) And you pay taxes, and bills, and things that just aren’t essential to actual LIFE. Seriously, if you lived in a hole in a forest, who would be there to take something away from you that has no true relevance to the act of being alive? You could get your own food if you really wanted to, provide your own warmth, learn for yourself, you know, and all that jazz. But no, guess what, people? You and I were thrown into a world where the only reason you live is to make money and babies and then complain about the money it takes to raise the babies. Well, I’m sorry, but to me, there’s a lot more than popping out children. Don’t get me wrong: I wanna have me some babies, but there’s time for that later, when I’M content with what I’ve done previously.
How do we have such a huge Earth and yet most people go without leaving their little region because they “can’t afford it”? You could walk across the country if you really wanted to, or swim across the ocean, (that one might be a wee bit tricky, but why not try?). Seriously, what’s stopping you? There are no literal ropes or chains, only the laws and the lies we follow. Those people that do great things, those are the people who are called stupid or foolish. OR, and I love this one, things “just worked out” for them. You know, because what they actually DID or believed in had nothing to do with it. Don’t you know, guys, David, Mike, Dan, and John are only famous because things just “worked out for them.” -_- What really pisses me off is how certain people with no talent, no real struggles, no REASON why they’re at where they’re at are so well off. Just look at Justin Bieber or most of those fucking ridiculous pop ‘stars’…what a waste of attention.
Maybe I AM just a stupid, foolish little girl, but I feel like that there are far too many people just existing in this world, too many people losing the idea of even just a taste of what life could potentially be. And the way things are conveyed, it seems like only the wealthy are allowed to dream and then act upon those dreams. All I’m saying is, I can’t be one of those people…but I just don’t know what path I’m going to start on so I can step off the line. What I really want at this moment is some honest belief from the people I love.
It sounds silly, but the movie “Blades Of Glory” holds some very good advice: “If you can dream it, you can do it.” I may not believe in a god, but THAT is something I do know to be true.
“Countless chapters left unopened…led to nothing. If only I was born another time…”
“Maybe nobody told you about this life…single revelations, they come in time… if it’s so impossible, who thought it would have mattered?” (“Out Of Whack” by Flaw)
\m/ -your Satan Maiden