The reason I decided to join this website is the fact that this is the only place i can really be myself without being judged. I can talk about things that i can't even think about in my house. My life seems like it's all gone to hell. I'm fifteen about to be sixteen and I've gotten into a habit of cutting. i've done it in two places and always in the same spot. Now I have scars for the rest of my life to remind me of my stupidity and me feeling sorry for myself. I just don't know how else I should punish myself except for rarely eating. Which is really helping with my weight issue. You see, I've been the biggest girl in my class and my family for my whole life and it's just tworn my heart to pieces to hear people talk about me and to call me a fat ass and a fat bitch. IT PISSES ME OFF!!!! I don't get why people have to judge you by what you look like. It's stupid. You're supposed to get to know the person first before you judge them. But no. Not in my case. Most people take one look at me and automatically assume that I'm a fat pig and all I do is eat constantly and that I'm a couch potato. THAT'S SOOOOO WRONG. I'm just the opposite. I hardly even eat at all for one and second, I work my butt off for two hours every night in my bedroom doing all kinds of exercises just so i can stop being called a fat ass and an overweight bitch. Another reason i joined this fan club is to meet new people. Ones who won't judge me on my looks but my personality. Yeah i'm sorta hard core but i have a soft side too... and i'm not talking about my ass or my chest either guys. Honestly i think that i don't look that bad. i've got some places more blessed than others but that's just how GOD made me and i can't do anything about it. But this cutting problem and punishing myself by working out so hard i can hardly breath or even get up, that's just pretty pathetic. So if there's anybody out there that can sort of relate to what i'm writing and what i'm going through, it'd be nice to hear from you..... My friends look at my wrists and ask me if i cut myself................ i lie....... i tell them it was an accident or that i was playing with my cat(my cat's declawed) and it's hard for me to lie to my friends. my mother doesn't even know what i'm doing to myself. I just need an outlet away from everybody else that i'm constantly around. They make me want to just go get a razor sometimes. I've even been suicidal before. To the point where my mother was scared that i'd actually go through with it that she called my school and set up a meeting with my counselor. pretty gay. I even planned out how i would do it in my head if ever got to the point of bursting and forgetting that i'd be with satan instead of god if i took my own life.
I listen to DISTURBED constantly because that's basically the only outlet that i have where i can just listen to them and relate to alot of their songs. i'm not blaming them for the way i am with cuttin and all but it just helps me to sort of calm down and take a deep breath and think twice about what i'm doing.